Time changes things, memories fade, and this doesn’t mean I have forgotten. I’m slowly but surely forgetting the bad parts as well as the good parts of our relationship. I guess, I’m no longer bitter enough to force myself to rehearse the bad parts but I’m not also at a point where I can remember the good times and smile. But, just because I can’t remember the bad times doesn’t mean I will go back, ever, I’ve learned my lesson and I know I don’t have to punish myself anymore. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone learns from them. I’m choosing to learn from my mistakes, I’m choosing to forgive myself.
It has taken a lot for me to get to this point, a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking, praying, and looking deep inside of myself for answer, answers only I could give. Why did we fail? How could I let things get that way? Why did I make those mistakes? It’s been almost 8 months now, and I for the first time feel like I can answer all those questions with truth and without bitterness.
It doesn’t change how I feel though, I feel betrayed. You were my best friend, I shared everything with you and as soon as we became more, I feel like you stopped wanting to learn more. You stopped wanting to grow with me, you stopped wanting to move forward. Maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much, for giving you all of me and not waiting until you gave at least most of you. I think back to the times we were together, and you are blurry, like a stranger whose face I can’t identify with, a dark hole, a blurred out figure.
I’ve chosen to forget the fights, and the good memories seemed to have been lost behind all the negativity. When we finally ended things, when you drove around that last time, that memory is the clearest. I remember the relief I felt, the freedom and most of all I remember the grief from losing my best friend.
I felt betrayed by a lot of my friends, once things were over. They didn’t understand why I was sad; I had ended things after all. Around this time I left the LDR support after one of them told me I had no right to be upset, in other words of course. That day, I sat in my car and cried for hours just because of those harsh words. Another friend mockingly brought up the fact that I said that I would love him forever, that I wouldn’t regret giving him my virginity.
I do regret it, not because it was him, but because I gave up something I had always wanted to wait until marriage to share. I never did it for me, he had always thought it was silly to wait, and so did all the people around me. No one supported my decisions and while it’s not their fault I didn’t stick to guns all that pressure made me feel like I was being unreasonable.
I know God will forgive me, but I haven’t sought it out, because until today I haven’t forgiven myself. I wanted to share my feelings about this for everyone to read, because I want to be understood. I want everyone to know I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made, the ones you guys know about and the ones I’ve kept to myself. I’m only human. It’s taken me a while to realize this, but I’m young, dumb and this will only bring me wisdom. I am going to take the steps to redeem myself in the eyes of the Lord, because now I finally have the strength to do it.
For everyone who has ever regretted things they’ve done in the past, for those that have had a bad relationship… just remember. The best healer is time.
