Confidence

I haven’t been really good about writing in this thing, even though it would probably be healthier if I did.

I hate myself, not really I mean, but there are many things I wish I could change. I wish I didn’t care so much, I wish that I didn’t care about the people around me and that I didn’t become so involved. I wish that the happiness of my friends and love ones didn’t effect how I feel about myself, about how I feel in the world. I wish I didn’t care about people. I know that sounds horrible, but I just wish I didn’t care. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that I don’t care about others opinions of me, but they would be wrong.

I’m one person for my friends, another for my family, all while laughing myself and turning everything into a joke. It’s like the moment I step into my house, I’m one way, at work I’m one way, with friends another… I’ve lost my own identity. I’m afraid a lot of people wouldn’t care for me, for who I am – then again, who the heck am I? At least with my ex, I could be myself – not always the smiling, laughing, joking person people seem to think I am. I was serious, passionate and sort of shy, and under the jokes, and laughs.

I wish I didn’t turn everything in the joke, I wish I could be honest with everyone. I feel so awful, because everyone thinks I’m the most honest person they know – and in ways I am. I don’t lie about where I’ve been, the facts… I lie about how I feel. I wish I could be honest with my feelings, instead of dancing around them when confronted. It’s a lack of confidence, and I disgust myself because in my mind I’m the most confident person, in my mind I always say exactly how I feel, I always say what I mean and don’t play games.

I never mean to play games, I freak out, my brain goes into overload and I go into self preservation mode. There is one person in particular I wish I could be upfront with, I can’t even be upfront enough to let that person know that. They’ve asked me before how I’ve felt, and I’ve strayed. I know I’m pretty obvious, I don’t hide emotion well but I’ve hidden other things, not expressed how I’ve felt well and not expressed how observant I actually am. I know how this person feels, and I’m not confident enough to let them know, I know.

I pretend to be oblivious, because it’s easier to be oblivious then be wrong. I wish I were confident enough to be honest about my feelings, I wish I were confident enough to express what I believe with out being wishy washy, I wish I were confident enough to not care about upsetting others with my opinions.

I feel so overwhelmed with my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own emotions. Every night I pray for some sort of clarity, I’ve read, I’ve wrote, I’ve drowned myself in art and yet I always come back to this point.

I’m going to work on this, I’m going to be confident, one step at a time. Next few blogs I’m going to write are going to be about me, expressing who I AM, what I BELIEVE without the dancing, without the wishy washy non committal words. The ones around me can either accept and love me for it, or move on – because, I’m going to find a way out of this hopeless and overwhelmed feeling even if I end up alone.