Religion

This is the beginning of a series of blogs stating MY opinion; you may disagree or agree with me. You are open to comment, share your own opinions but please be respectful as I am always respectful of others opinions and that is really all I ask of others in return.

Let’s start with the sensitive subject of Religion. I BELIEVE in God, I identify myself as a non-denominational Christian, I have attended a Unitarian Universalist church in the past but currently I’m not attending Church. Now I know a lot of people may think ill of me because I don’t go to Service every Sunday that I don’t quote bible versus or pray in front of people. I guess this should be said, I don’t like Religion, I love God, I consider myself spiritual but I don’t consider myself religious.

I don’t want to be that Christian that damns another because they sin differently then me, I curse like a sailor, I’ve had premarital sex, I’ve said and done things I shouldn’t have – so who am I to say you can’t be gay (A subject I will address later), who am I to judge how many people you’ve slept with, the drugs you may have done in your past, the people you may have betrayed? That is between you and God, I will love you with every capacity I have because love is what turns sinners to saints, not hate.  

I don’t care for praying in front of other people, one of the many reasons I don’t attend church often, and I don’t care for praying in front of people for a couple of reasons too. I grew up a part of an Atheist family, my father the older he has gotten the more in tolerate he has become of others opinions. Something he would never openly admit, but he considers himself open minded but I consider him to be close minded because he is only willing to accept his side of the equation and not even willing to consider any other options. To him, God might as well be some flying hippo in the clouds, believing in him is absurd and reflects badly on your intelligence. My mother however has always encouraged me to experiment with my spirituality, she offered me very diverse opportunities to discover different religions and never judged me.

However, I’ve never felt like I’ve had an option because of my father and because I didn’t want to disappoint him or have him think I was dumb or ignorant. Only recently have I been more open with my spiritual beliefs but I’m still reserved, I don’t pray in front of my family because I’m afraid of my fathers opinion.  I will admit, and I hate to admit this but this is probably my biggest problem with praying in front of other people.

I also don’t pray for other people, I feel like a lot of times people pray to make sure everyone else sees them pray. Others opinions of who they think I am, isn’t going to effect my relationship with God, or how I feel at the end of the day. I’ve decided this much, I’d rather pray in private because I feel closer to God, outside, in nature by myself, I understand this is my own personal preference but I often feel like I’m the only one that feels that way. Which kind of sucks.

I don’t go to church, because I don’t like the politics, I like to keep politics and religion separate. I don’t like the judgment, you are only a good Christian if you fit these standards perfectly, standards that change church to church based off who is in charge… I don’t want to go somewhere where Humans are in charge and not the word of God. I don’t want to attend a place with gold ornate doorknobs that preach about feeding the pour while standing behind a million dollar stain glass window. I don’t like the hypocrisy, I don’t like the judgment and I don’t like the politics. I miss the community, but I want to go somewhere about simplicity, love, nature and acceptance. If I ever found a place like that, I probably would attend church, but until them I’ll continue my worship alone.

I don’t believe that only one religion is the right way to go, I don’t believe you have to be Christian to find peace. I don’t think God would have prevented entire groups of people from finding peace, and finding the word because they can’t identify with the Bible. I believe that God has created a much more intelligent design then that. I feel like if you live your life right, admit what you’ve done wrong and redeem yourself accordingly you will find peace. Live your life with love and a sense of right and wrong should be the basic message, not treat only those that agree with you with love.

Every night I pray for Clarity, Patience and Strength, for myself, my loved ones and loved ones I am yet to meet because I hope that everyone can find peace in their life, afterlife, what have you…. I just want everyone to live a happy life. If you don’t take anything away from this, I just want you to know that at the end of the day – I want to live in a world based off Acceptance and Love.

This is only my opinion, only my personal belief and I’m willing and open to hearing the opinions and beliefs of others. Please don’t expect me to agree with you; please don’t expect what you have to say to change me. 

Confidence

I haven’t been really good about writing in this thing, even though it would probably be healthier if I did.

I hate myself, not really I mean, but there are many things I wish I could change. I wish I didn’t care so much, I wish that I didn’t care about the people around me and that I didn’t become so involved. I wish that the happiness of my friends and love ones didn’t effect how I feel about myself, about how I feel in the world. I wish I didn’t care about people. I know that sounds horrible, but I just wish I didn’t care. A lot of people seem to be under the impression that I don’t care about others opinions of me, but they would be wrong.

I’m one person for my friends, another for my family, all while laughing myself and turning everything into a joke. It’s like the moment I step into my house, I’m one way, at work I’m one way, with friends another… I’ve lost my own identity. I’m afraid a lot of people wouldn’t care for me, for who I am – then again, who the heck am I? At least with my ex, I could be myself – not always the smiling, laughing, joking person people seem to think I am. I was serious, passionate and sort of shy, and under the jokes, and laughs.

I wish I didn’t turn everything in the joke, I wish I could be honest with everyone. I feel so awful, because everyone thinks I’m the most honest person they know – and in ways I am. I don’t lie about where I’ve been, the facts… I lie about how I feel. I wish I could be honest with my feelings, instead of dancing around them when confronted. It’s a lack of confidence, and I disgust myself because in my mind I’m the most confident person, in my mind I always say exactly how I feel, I always say what I mean and don’t play games.

I never mean to play games, I freak out, my brain goes into overload and I go into self preservation mode. There is one person in particular I wish I could be upfront with, I can’t even be upfront enough to let that person know that. They’ve asked me before how I’ve felt, and I’ve strayed. I know I’m pretty obvious, I don’t hide emotion well but I’ve hidden other things, not expressed how I’ve felt well and not expressed how observant I actually am. I know how this person feels, and I’m not confident enough to let them know, I know.

I pretend to be oblivious, because it’s easier to be oblivious then be wrong. I wish I were confident enough to be honest about my feelings, I wish I were confident enough to express what I believe with out being wishy washy, I wish I were confident enough to not care about upsetting others with my opinions.

I feel so overwhelmed with my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own emotions. Every night I pray for some sort of clarity, I’ve read, I’ve wrote, I’ve drowned myself in art and yet I always come back to this point.

I’m going to work on this, I’m going to be confident, one step at a time. Next few blogs I’m going to write are going to be about me, expressing who I AM, what I BELIEVE without the dancing, without the wishy washy non committal words. The ones around me can either accept and love me for it, or move on – because, I’m going to find a way out of this hopeless and overwhelmed feeling even if I end up alone. 

Something I've wanted to Share

Time changes things, memories fade, and this doesn’t mean I have forgotten. I’m slowly but surely forgetting the bad parts as well as the good parts of our relationship. I guess, I’m no longer bitter enough to force myself to rehearse the bad parts but I’m not also at a point where I can remember the good times and smile. But, just because I can’t remember the bad times doesn’t mean I will go back, ever, I’ve learned my lesson and I know I don’t have to punish myself anymore. Everyone makes mistakes, but not everyone learns from them. I’m choosing to learn from my mistakes, I’m choosing to forgive myself.

It has taken a lot for me to get to this point, a lot of time alone, a lot of time thinking, praying, and looking deep inside of myself for answer, answers only I could give. Why did we fail? How could I let things get that way? Why did I make those mistakes? It’s been almost 8 months now, and I for the first time feel like I can answer all those questions with truth and without bitterness.

It doesn’t change how I feel though, I feel betrayed. You were my best friend, I shared everything with you and as soon as we became more, I feel like you stopped wanting to learn more. You stopped wanting to grow with me, you stopped wanting to move forward. Maybe it’s my fault for expecting so much, for giving you all of me and not waiting until you gave at least most of you. I think back to the times we were together, and you are blurry, like a stranger whose face I can’t identify with, a dark hole, a blurred out figure.

I’ve chosen to forget the fights, and the good memories seemed to have been lost behind all the negativity. When we finally ended things, when you drove around that last time, that memory is the clearest. I remember the relief I felt, the freedom and most of all I remember the grief from losing my best friend.

I felt betrayed by a lot of my friends, once things were over. They didn’t understand why I was sad; I had ended things after all. Around this time I left the LDR support after one of them told me I had no right to be upset, in other words of course. That day, I sat in my car and cried for hours just because of those harsh words. Another friend mockingly brought up the fact that I said that I would love him forever, that I wouldn’t regret giving him my virginity.

I do regret it, not because it was him, but because I gave up something I had always wanted to wait until marriage to share. I never did it for me, he had always thought it was silly to wait, and so did all the people around me. No one supported my decisions and while it’s not their fault I didn’t stick to guns all that pressure made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

I know God will forgive me, but I haven’t sought it out, because until today I haven’t forgiven myself. I wanted to share my feelings about this for everyone to read, because I want to be understood. I want everyone to know I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made, the ones you guys know about and the ones I’ve kept to myself. I’m only human. It’s taken me a while to realize this, but I’m young, dumb and this will only bring me wisdom. I am going to take the steps to redeem myself in the eyes of the Lord, because now I finally have the strength to do it.  

For everyone who has ever regretted things they’ve done in the past, for those that have had a bad relationship… just remember. The best healer is time.